Easy Peasy! Ahahahahahahaha…ha!

 On Friday morning, I said to His Lordship Malarkey, ‘If I buy a new light fitting for the dining room, would you be able to fit it, please?’

And he said, ‘Yes, of course, no problems,’ which, in hindsight, because Mercury is in retrograde, was probably NOT the best thing to declare in a joyful, blasé, easy peasy kind of way. 

‘I’ve found a suitable light in Argos,’ said I, because I am classy like that when it comes to home furnishings. ‘And they have one in stock at our local branch.’

Hurrah! So far, so good. Mercury still retrograde though. Probably explains, too, why the curtains I ordered for the dining room still haven’t arrived despite the delivery date being yesterday. Ah well…

We tried to order and pay online, so we could just whizz in and collect the order quick sticks, like an efficient Ninja warrior, but both my attempt to do this, and then Andy’s, were rejected as ‘Oops, something went wrong! Please try again or pop into your local store.’ This often happens when trying to order and pay online at Argos. Not always, but more often than perhaps is reasonable. Probably worse when Mercury is retrograde. 

‘Oh, I’ll just go and buy it in store, shall I?’ said Andy. ‘I need to pop into Wilkos and get some descaler for the coffee machine anyway.’ (Wilkos is right next door to Argos, so VERY convenient.)

‘Can you pop into WHSmiths and pick up a copy of ‘Spirit and Destiny’ magazine?’ said I. ‘Ta!’ (WHSmiths is a 30 second walk from Argos, so moderately convenient, but not as convenient as Wilkos. Also, it is a teeny tiny branch with limited choice and I wasn’t sure if it would stock something as avant garde as ‘Spirit and Destiny’ but if you don’t ask, you don’t get, right?)

(I am considering subscribing to this magazine. All my other magazines I can access free online through my library membership, and I can read this one for free, too, but something is nudging me to splash out on a paper copy membership.)

Andy duly returned with ALL the shopping (including the magazine - hurrah!) and he immediately set about removing the old light fitting - having the foresight to take photos of the wiring configuration first - and then attaching the new fitting. ‘It’ll be easy peasy,’ we said. ‘Just swapping one thing for another thing,’ we said. ‘What could go wrong?’ we said. 

Mercury still in retrograde.

To a qualified electrician used to fiddling farting around with tiddly bits of wiring up close and personal to a ceiling whilst standing precariously on a dining room table, the job would probably have taken, oooh, twenty minutes, tops? Over one very long hour later, there was a not inconsiderable amount of sweat and swearing peppering the air in the dining room of Damson Cottage. My arms were burning having to hold up the light at the correct angle so Andy could use both hands to wrangle the wiring. Much reference was being made to photos and wiring diagrams. Tiny things were being dropped, even tinier things were popping in and popping out again, and all in all it was a wee bit on the stressy side.

And then we swapped over jobs because despite Andy’s years and years of being a surgeon who can mend very small things like guinea pig ankles and shih-tzu kneecaps, and whip out tiny uteri and miniature testicles, it turned out my embroidery skills and smaller fingers were better suited to the task. Also, I didn’t swear.

‘Do you swear when you are operating?’ I said to Andy after one particularly fruity utterance.

‘No…’ said Andy, although the high rising intonation of the response suggests otherwise.

Anyway, after one false start when we thought we had succeeded and it turned out NONE of the downstairs lights worked, and we had to unscrew everything and try again (Mercury retrograde), we DID succeed and although it was a bit of a marathon, the dining room now has a new light fitting and I no longer have to look at the old one every day and think how much I loathe it. I know, I know, it’s taken over six years to change it but we’ve had other shizzle to do to the house, too, you know. 

Retrograde Mercury ends today. Which means my dining room curtains will probably turn up tomorrow. 

P.S It’s National Name Your Car Day. My car is already called Mollie so I don’t have to name her again. I’m appalled there are cars out there which apparently don’t have names.