‘I’ve decided what music I want at the end of my funeral,’ announced Mum as we settled at a table in the pub for the ‘do’ after Auntie Pollie’s funeral yesterday. ‘Moon River,’ she said. ‘From ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’.’ She looked at me. ‘Well, write it down then,’ she said.
I duly made a note to put with the other funeral instructions she has given me over the last few years. I don’t think she is going anywhere soon, but then we didn’t think Auntie Pollie was either. Auntie Pollie’s granddaughters had chosen Elvis Presley’s ‘The Wonder of You’ for her final song. I thought that was spot on.
Lord Malarkey and I had traveled to Kent on Thursday. The weather was vile. Storm Whatever making its way across the country. We met it going down as it was coming up. It obscured visibility on the motorways - rain being lashed across the windscreen by feisty winds, spray flinging up from the traffic - and made for a horrible and stressful journey. Add to that a detour when we found the M20 closed (a person choosing to end their life by jumping off a motorway bridge) and we arrived at our destination after six hours on the road feeling frazzled.
We had just enough time to pay a quick visit to Mum before heading off to our friend who had kindly offered us her spare bedroom for the night. Driving around my old home town, I was shocked at the amount of house building that has gone on since we left Kent almost nine years ago. Flats and town houses crammed into the town itself, housing estates decimating what were once fields and orchards on the town outskirts. It’s all very sad, really. I am so glad we moved away when we did. So grateful I live now surrounded by fields and trees and open skies.
Consequently, the traffic in the area was terrible. Queues, gridlocks, parking; cars, cars, cars everywhere. Journeys that used to take 10 minutes now taking over twice long. Inconsiderate driving as bad tempered drivers tried to negotiate a now over-crowded area. Anyway, we arrived at our friend’s home, and she welcomed us with a lovely meal. It was good to catch up with her in person, and Nell and her dog got on very well.
Nell had been good during the whole journey. However, she didn’t want to do a pre-bed wee so I didn’t sleep well because I was anxious she might have an accident in the house. Not that our friend would have minded, but even so. At 4 a.m, then, I heard Nell get up and become a bit restless, so I thought I’d take her for a wee.
Downstairs I crept. I found a torch by the back door, but couldn’t find the back door key so we could go into the back garden. I thought, I’ll take her out the front then, walk her up the road a bit. The storm was still depositing wind and rain but I thought we wouldn’t be long outside. Out the front door we went. The front door locked itself behind us.
Bugger.
I was outside in my pyjamas being rained on for almost twenty minutes, trying to make someone hear my plight without waking up the whole road. Nell sat on the doorstep looking up at me as if to say, ‘What the chuff are we doing out here in the dark, rain and wind?’
I rang the doorbell several times. I knocked the knocker, rattled the letterbox. Nothing. My friend is a bit hard of hearing, but I thought Andy might wake and see me gone, and investigate. But no.
Andy often leaves his car unlocked so I thought, well, maybe Nell and I can seek refuge in there. Nell had still not done a wee. I think she was too intrigued to see how I was going to resolve our plight. And me? I wasn’t having a great time. I was failing to see the funny side of this comedy situation. I was cold, wet, close to tears.
Finally, my friend appeared at the door and let us in. I was full of apologies; I think she was vaguely amused. We let Nell out the back door and she immediately did a massive wee on the back lawn. All returned to bed and I slept fitfully until 6.30 when I gave in and got up.
‘Did you hear me ringing the doorbell?’ I asked Andy, when regaling the story over breakfast.
‘I thought it was a clock chiming,’ said he.
Meanwhile…
…this is one of Auntie Pollie’s garden ornaments - Hedgehog in a Bubble Bath. Now residing at Damson Cottage.
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