For the last few months I’ve been living with the thought that my body might have developed a cancer. Today, I found out that it hasn’t. The relief is indescribable. The troublesome bump has been removed and I am here, in my lovely writing room, with no more than a small spot plaster and instructions on after-care for the wound to show for all the dark thoughts that have been sitting in the back of my mind, chuntering away in spite of my best efforts to ignore them.
The sun is shining. From where I am sitting, I can see the grass being mowed in the field. Opening the window, I can smell that fresh cut grass, one of the best air fresheners ever. My desk clock is ticking with confidence, I can feel the red jasper, golden tiger’s eye and green aventurine crystals I took to the hospital with me this morning still in the pocket of my jeans. The local anaesthetic has worn off and I can sense a tiny bit of twinging which is not worth the bother of a paracetamol. There are new books on my desk, vying to be read. I’ve just noticed that the flowers in the little vase on my altar need refreshing. I feel a bit of a fraud for fretting over something which turned out to be nothing, but my loved ones have assured me I need not, because unless these things are investigated by professionals, you can never be sure what they are.
The thing is, in my heart I knew this was nothing to worry about. My intuition, my spirit companions, have all been saying, ‘This is fine. Please don’t worry. All will be well.’ But when you receive a letter containing the words ‘cancer’ and ‘urgent’ and ‘priority’ you can’t help but start to doubt your own self because professionals know best, right? And you shouldn’t. I’ve been working with my Self for long enough now to know that I should trust it first and foremost. And I feel a bit ashamed that I let that trust waiver oh so slightly.
And I’ve been thinking about the reason why this ‘thing’ was sent my way because I believe that everything that happens does so for a reason. On the way home from hospital, I began to realise why I’ve been through this ‘thing.’
Without it, I would not have jumped in and signed up to do the Diploma in Spiritual Counselling and Caregiving. Without it, I would not have read the books I have read about dying, soul midwifery, palliative care, hospice work, healing, and lining up the practical learning that goes with the reading. Without it, I wouldn’t have taken up some weird opportunities that have come my way, like going on a one day course to learn how to record and archive oral history stories.
What this ‘thing’ has done is to galvanise me into action and focus me on life. I’ve spent two years drifting and faffing, and feeling like this was it, there was nothing else of value for me to do in life, and yet now…well, now I have the gift of renewed purpose and it’s a wholly energising feeling.
Counting my blessings. Feeling thankful for my wonderful support network, especially Andy, Heather, Oli, Jean and Auntie Pollie. And marvelling at the way the Universe makes sure you get just the right kick up the backside you need, just when you need it.
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KJ