Mrs Miggins and I are sitting in front of the fire. She is smoking her pipe and I am smoking some chickpeas because I have heard tell they make a lovely crunchy snack. It’s the first fire this Winter and it’s bloomin’ lovely, lounging here roasting our toeses in the fire’s warmth on what has been a very minus 5 degrees kind of cold and icy day.
‘I can’t believe it’s the first of December tomorrow,’ says Miggins. ‘It seems like only yesterday we were getting ready to premier the Much Malarkey Manor Christmas Story 2022.’
‘It’s scary,’ I say. ‘But then they say the older you grow the faster the years pass you by.’
‘Who’s ‘they’, then?’ says Mrs Miggins.
I shrug. ‘I don’t know. Them. Those who know everything.’
‘Politicians?’ says Mrs Miggins. ‘I find that highly unlikely.’
‘Well quite,’ I say. ‘But let’s not think about politicians. Are we prepared for the launch of the Much Malarkey Manor Christmas Story 2023?’
‘I believe so,’ says Mrs Miggins. ‘The Performing Contracts have been signed. We almost didn’t get Ptolemy Pheasant because his appearance fee request had rocketed waaaaay beyond the rate of inflation.’
‘Oh, well done for securing him, though,’ I say. ‘Did you meet his demands?’
‘Certainly not!’ says Mrs Miggins. ‘He met mine. Which was he could take what he was offered and be grateful I wasn’t auditioning young up-and-coming pheasants to replace him.’
‘Show biz is so fickle,’ I sigh. ‘One minute you’re riding high on public adoration, the next minute you’re Russell Brand.’
‘How’s the writing coming along?’ says Mrs Miggins. She always gets a bit nervous at this time of year, wondering if I’ll meet the deadline. To be honest, so do I.
‘Well,’ I say, ‘today I did a final edit of the first twelve days, and I’m half-way to completing Day 13. I’ve also mapped out the remaining eleven days so I know where the story is going and how I’m going to get there. It’ll be fine,’ I finish, and I pat Miggins’ knee in a reassuring way.
‘Good, good,’ says Mrs Miggins, allowing herself a little sigh of relief and making a mental note that she won’t have to start nagging me to complete the story until at least 10th December.
And so, Dear Reader(s), brace yourselves. Stock up on your festive snacks, plump your novelty cushions, brew the tea and maybe have a stack of tissues and/or Tena Lady to hand depending on which end you anticipate might need a-mopping. Comedy, pathos, mystery, magic, intellect - this year’s story has got the lot! All I ask is that, as usual, you willingly suspend your disbelief and accept that anything can, and probably will, happen.
Comments
Best regards, Ptolemy Pheasant Management
Thank you for your kind correspondence on the matter of your client maintaining his tip top condition. I wonder, has he considered swapping his diet of corn for something less pricey - budget pasta, for example? Equally nutritious with the bonus of availability of different shapes according to the accompanying pasta sauce?
Your client will, of course, be well-fed whilst on location and has the opportunity to earn a performance-related bonus of up to 5.3% (gross) which, we feel, is a generous offer given the current financial markets. His performance targets will include keeping his mittens off Mrs Pumphrey’s skirts.
Kind regards and please find enclosed two complementary tickets to this year’s performance with a voucher for a free salted caramel interval ice cream.
Director in Charge (possibly)
Lady Malarkey
Me? I’m anyone’s for a salted caramel ice cream..
(P.S I got the salted caramel ice cream in especially for you 😉)