Thank you for sending the renewal notice for my home and contents insurance on 22nd April. I have since searched for comparable policies on Compare the Meerkat and Go Compère Opera Singer Guy and you will be pleased to know your renewal quote (despite being almost £20 more expensive than last year which, in percentage terms amounts to just over 20% which, quite frankly, is appalling) is still one of the cheapest and I shall be renewing with you for another year. The policy is due for renewal on 23rd May which is still almost two weeks away.
Despite the policy renewal date being almost the end of May, you sent an email a week after sending the renewal email, urging me to renew immediately. I binned the email because I am obtuse about these things and you aren’t getting the payment until it is actually due. I’m not swelling your coffers so you can earn interest on my money. Then, a couple of days later, you telephoned at 6.50 IN THE EVENING FFS to discuss renewing my policy.
Well! I was polite, but with a bit of an edge because I can be like that sometimes. Not often. But sometimes. I said that I WOULD be renewing but as the policy wasn’t expiring for another three weeks, I would do it nearer the date, thank you and goodbye. And no thank you, I didn’t need your help or someone to call me back later to help me negotiate the tricky business of paying for something online or over the phone. I’m 57, not 97. I understand Internet banking. Also, you sounded like a really young person - shouldn’t you have been pre-loading to go out clubbing or something? Maybe you were. Maybe that’s why you were pestering people in their homes about renewing their insurance policies. It’s the sort of thing only rat-arsed people would do. Surely?
A week later, another email arrived urging me to renew. I binned that one, too, because now I was thinking about the environmental impact of sending TOO many emails. Shame on you, Policy ‘Expert’, for contributing to climate change with your flagrant abuse of multi-emails. Besides, I’d already TOLD you I was renewing. (Huffy grump.) And don’t you DARE blame me by saying that if I’d renewed IMMEDIATELY you wouldn’t have sent all the reminder emails. Don’t you DARE make me out to be the baddie in this. I am being a loyal customer. You are merely an insurance company, which is only one step above estate agencies.
This morning, ANOTHER email arrives. Do I need help renewing? I can email back, request a callback, call the helpful helpline for help. Poor old dear, eh? Policy ‘Expert’, there are a few things you need to know:
1) the more someone bugs me to do something, the less I am likely to do it. Call it stubbornness, call it bloody minded, but it’s a genetic thing and I can’t change it
2) when I say I’ll do something, I’ll do it. End of.
3) the policy isn’t due for renewal for another 12 days
4) if you send me one more email or make one more unsolicited telephone call in the next twelve days, I shall NOT be responsible for my possibly, nay quite likely, red mist response
5) I found one policy which was about £5 cheaper. And yes, I am tempted to cancel yours and go with that one because yes, I AM that petty for a fiver.
6) I would strongly advise you NOT to send a Customer Satisfaction Survey following my renewal. It is likely I shall release upon it my passive aggressive sarcasm in all its glorious power. I may even consult with my brother as to the content. He is very good at these surveys.
Finally, I would like to offer my training services in ‘How Not To Annoy People’. I charge £200 per hour. If you book now, I can hold this at last year’s prices. However, next week the rate will increase to £250. Inflation, and all that. You know how it is.
Thank you kindly. All best regards and kind wishes,
Lady Malarkey
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