Today, I present to you, my learned friends, pictorial evidence of an incident that occurred yesterday as I was leaving the car park in town at approximately 10.27 a.m. I drew it myself and it is a fair representation of the event, although some licence may have been taken with the colours of the cars. Except my car, which I know to be red. Fact.
Evidence for the Prosecution:
I returned to my car, parked in the car park of Lidl, having just nipped into aforementioned grocery emporium to purchase cheese, bananas, two varieties of oatcakes (with seeds, with cracked black pepper), eggs, shortbread fingers. As I approached my car, an enormous van of very large proportions drove into the car park and parked next to my car. This van is represented in black. It was not a black van, it was a white van but this was difficult to tell underneath ALL THE DIRT AND MUCK. The van driver alighted from the van and headed towards Lidl. And yes, he did have an orange head.
As you can see from my detailed drawing, m’lud, when I say the van ‘parked’ next to my car, what I really mean is that it was abandoned at a casual and careless angle next to my car. May I draw your attention to the empty parking bays to the right of the carelessly abandoned van? I would put it to you, m’lud, that the orange headed van driver could have parked with more courtesy, given the space that was available to the idiot…I mean, the accused.
M’lud, my car is of the small variety, purchased for economy and convenience. One of its conveniences is that it is easy to wrangle in and out of small spaces. However, even I had trouble squeezing it out of its parking bay on this occasion because a) I couldn’t see to the right in order to observe oncoming traffic from that direction and b) I didn’t want to ding my back end on the mucky van nor my front end on my politely parked neighbour to my left. Reversing wasn’t an option (before my brother asks).
I suppose I could have waited for the accused ‘Mr Stupid Orange Head’ to return to his carelessly parked van and move it. However, I had purchased cheese and, not knowing how long the accused would be in Lidl, and with it being a sunny day and the inside of my car being on the warm side, I did not want to hang around and suffer a case of ‘sweaty cheese.’ Also, given I was feeling mildly annoyed at this point, sitting around and gently fuming could have induced a greater rage towards what, after all, is my fellow man. And who knows what would have happened had the red mist been allowed to fully descend? ‘Middle-aged Woman in Lidl Van Parking Rage’ as a Drayton Advertiser headline? I think not, m’lud. I have standards to maintain.
Also, I had a date at home with a cup of tea and a shortbread finger.
So I shunted my way out of the parking bay and drove home. By the time I arrived home, having been aided by the sunshine, the beautiful autumnal colours emerging in the surrounding trees, hedges and fields, and Classic FM playing soothing adagios in C major on the radio, my muttering had abated and all was right with the world. And here I rest my case for the prosecution.
Evidence for the Defence: None
Verdict: Orange Headed Van Driver guilty of stupidity. And having an orange head.
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KJ