Avocado

 Heather is quite keen on a smashed avocado on toast. I don’t mind an avocado once it has been guacomoled but the bright green colour suggestive of Kermit the Frog Meets a Sticky End in a Blender puts me off eating avocado on even an occasional basis. Also, I’ve heard too many gruesome stories of fingers being chopped off whilst trying to de-stone an avocado. Also, I remember my Mum having stressy moments when avocados she bought for home dinner parties in the 1970s (when an avocado was all the rage as a modern cuisine starter) went from being hard as a bullet inedible to complete mush inedible in the space of half an hour. ALSO, I remember my Dad installing an avocado bathroom suite in our new house (the colour, not literally made from avocados, don’t be silly now) and thinking, what on Earth is THAT all about? Mind you, we had two bathrooms in that house and the other suite was chocolate brown.

Anyway, Heather duly smashed an avocado yesterday to add to her toast and she offered me the stone. ‘Do you fancy growing an avocado?’ said she.

‘Okay,’ said I. And remembering that you can start them off like hyacinths i.e by dangling their bottoms in water, I retrieved a small, transparent vase with narrow neck in which to balance the avocado stone so I could watch the roots growing out. Well, that’s how it would work in my mind. All peace and calm. 

The stone promptly fell through the not so narrow neck of the vase. 

‘You have to peel the stone first,’ said Heather, who is an old hand at growing avocado stones, having done so with her class at school. 

So having been smashed to pieces, the avocado endured me skinning it. I did it very gently and carefully so I didn’t hurt it too much.

The next problem was how to balance the stone so its bottom would dangle in some water. I found a small pot.

‘Stab it with cocktail sticks,’ said Heather. ‘And the sticks will balance on the edge of the pot, with the stone suspended in the middle.

Smashed, skinned and now stabbed. Poor avocado. Anyway, I did as instructed and here is the result:

Look, the poor thing is even bleeding. I didn’t realise this would be so traumatic an activity. 

I have no idea what happens next. According to Heather, the Master Avocado grower, the stone will split and then has to be inverted so the green stuff grows upwards. I think I shall just sit and observe. 

Three more alien baby swallows hatched yesterday! There might be four. I’ve definitely seen three fuzzy, big beaked heads hanging over the edge of the nest today. They take a couple of weeks to fledge and then will have around a month to get their flying practise in and strength built up before they head off for warmer climes.