When a person dies and moves on to better things, there’s a lot of sorting out to be done by those left behind. Especially if that person was a great collector of books, as was Andy’s dad. Andy has been charged with sorting out ALL the books, a task he has taken to with great aplomb because he has inherited his dad’s bibliophile tendencies and is never happier than when surrounded by books. Okay, maybe when surrounded by Doctor Who stuff, but we’ll gloss over that.
Anyway, he is thrilled to be back in possession of this little beauty…
Why did Andy love this book so much? Aside from the fact he loves the whole magic trickery thing, the main reason was that this book holds within its enchanting pages the trick of ‘How To Breathe Fire.’ And this is the thing that Andy wanted to do most of all - to breathe fire.
On reflection, perhaps this was the reason Andy’s dad removed the book. Was he concerned his child might actually try the trick of breathing fire? And now I am wondering in a slightly alarmed way if Andy still holds that burning desire (excuse the pun) to breathe fire. I was relating this story to Heather over the weekend. I said, ‘Andy has mentioned the breathing fire trick several times. His eyes sort of light up when he tells me about it.’ She said, ‘I think perhaps you’d better take the book away from Andy.’
Well, I’m not going to do that, am I? He’s a fifty year old man, for heavens’ sake, not an eight year old child. What can go wrong, eh? I mean, he wouldn’t ACTUALLY think about trying it, would he? That would be INSANE.
But it did make me think about other potentials fire hazards around the house as I was going about housework duties this morning.
So, dear husband, should I predecease you, you WILL need to conduct the following on a regular basis:
a) clean the fluff from the filter in the tumble drier. Throw the fluff in the bin. DO NOT leave it in a pile on top of the tumble drier
b) empty the crumb tray on the toaster. Don’t just slide it out and dispose of the contents. Turn the toaster upside down and give it a jolly good and extensive shake. You’ll be surprised at how much crumbage emerges. Put the crumbs out for the birds. Do NOT eat them yourself
c) empty the ash tray in the wood burner. This will need to be done once a week during the Winter months. Sprinkle ash around the fruit trees and rose bushes as they will like it. Do not do this during high winds. Also, get chimney swept every August before our chimney sweep gets busy. Also, you only need one fire lighter to light the wood burner. ONE. And a bit of patience. Stop keep opening the door whilst the wood is catching.
d) unplug anything that gets a warm plug when switched on for any length of time. For example, the radio in my study. In fact, just get rid of the radio in my study. I expect you’ll want to turn my study into a shrine to Doctor Who anyway.
e) keep cooking your bacon outside on the barbecue. It’s probably the safest way.
And finally, if you do decide to try fire breathing, go out into the field and do it whilst standing next to Vladimir Poo Tin. That way, if anything does go awry, you can fling yourself down the soakaway drain and put yourself out.
Because I know full well you won’t try fire breathing if I’m at home and available to call the fire brigade.
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KJ