Day 20 - Massive Spider Alert!

‘Come on, then,’ says Dorothy Miggins, stuffing the Golden Cap back into her apron pocket. ‘Let’s get going. A lovely walk through the woods to stretch the legs, eh?’

‘Not MORE walking,’ says Toto. ‘Seriously, my spine is on the verge of crumbling all its discs into dust.’ This is the back end of Toto, the Hugh Gnu wing, if you like.

‘Oh hush,’ says Toto, the vertical front end a.k.a Mrs Slocombe. ‘If you’d kept up those Pilates exercises like I showed you, your back would be sufficiently strong to cope with walking at a right angle to the rest of you for three weeks and a bit more.’

‘And what’s with all this ‘wuffing’ business?’ says Hugh Gnu. ‘I’m a classically trained actor, you know. I’ve worked with the best – Olivier, Hepburn, Lansbury, Day-Lewis. I’d have been the voice of Mufasa if James Earl Jones hadn’t got there first. Ahem… ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom. A king’s time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king…’

‘Oh give over, the pair of you,’ says Dorothy Miggins, who is as weary as anyone, including, no doubt, you reader(s) and definitely the author who is suffering from a case of The Twenty Day Lags.  It’s an artist thing, you know. Scientist-types wouldn’t understand. Anyway…

‘Excuse me,’ says Bambino Bobblion.

‘Don’t you start,’ says Dorothy Miggins. ‘We’re almost there.’

‘It’s not that,’ says Bambino Bobblion.

‘What is it, then?’ says Dorothy Miggins, and wondering if anyone back at Much Malarkey Manor has bothered to put the sprouts on to cook because we all know they need a good four day boiling at least in order to render them suitable for Christmas Day consumption.

‘Well…it’s…’ falters Bambino Bobblion.

‘Come on, come on,’ says Dorothy Miggins. ‘Spit it out. Have a swig of that brandy the so-called Wizard of Oz gave you.’

‘He turned out to be very disappointing, didn’t he?’ says Ptolemy Ptinman.

‘I’ll say,’ says Dorothy Miggins. ‘But Phantomimes, like leopards, never change their cloaks.’

Ptolemy Ptinman frowns. ‘Leopards wear cloaks?’ he says.

‘No,’ says Dorothy Miggins, slowly and patiently, ‘they wear spots, which are the cloak equivalent.’

‘I really think…’ says Bambino Bobblion, who is trying to sound braver than he actually feels at this precise moment in time.

‘WHAT?’ replies the chorus of voices that is Dorothy Miggins, Ptolemy Ptinman, Mrs Slocombe and Hugh Gnu.

‘…that we should stop walking and start running,’ says Bambino Bobblion.

‘Why?’ says the chorus.

‘Because,’ says Bambino Bobblion. ‘We are being followed by…a GIANT SPIDER!!!’

And he is right! The group of intrepid adventurers (I think they deserve that title by now, don’t you?) turn and follow the direction in which Bambino Bobblion’s quivering paw is pointing. There, lurking in the trees, its eyes a-glintin’ and its legs a-quivering, is the biggest spider they have ever seen EVER! Bigger even than that one in ‘Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.’ Aragog, was it? And we all know how THAT made us hide behind the sofa when it appeared on screen. I imagine the spider from the novel of ‘Oz’ was left out of the film of ‘Oz’ for the very reason of its hairy humungous size.

Anyway, spider there is, and it has been following them pretty much since they set foot in the woods to walk towards the castle of Gloria Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, just in case we need a reminder of where we are at.

Our intrepid explorers let out a solitary scream and launch into a frantic gallop. It does not take them long to discover that a huge spider can outrun them with ease (more legs, you see) as it leaps in front of them, stopping their progress and making them tremble in fear.  

‘What are we going to do?’ wails Ptolemy Ptinman, who doesn’t mind a small spider or two as an aperitif, but there is NO WAY he is going to be able to swallow THIS ONE in a single gulp. Even chopped up and stored in manageable portions in his freezer, he realises this one would last him a good year in meals, more maybe.

For once, Dorothy Miggins is at a loss for a solution to this latest catastrophe. Toto is hoping the sturdy nature of his/her pantomime dog costume will protect him/her from death by spider fang bite. What shall they do?

Dear reader(s)…it is Bambino Bobblion who steps up to the batting plate with his baseball stick! Club. Baton. Whatever. Remembering how once it was he who’d lain in wait behind trees in woods in order to leap out and scare unsuspecting passers-by because he thought it was a way to prove his bravery, he realises he has two options in this current situation. They are:

1)      Make some coffee, sit the spider down and talk to it in a therapeutic way in order to ascertain whether its aggressive, bullying behaviour has any roots in a childhood trauma, maybe, or is the result of crap parenting from its Mummy Spider and Daddy  Spider or

2)      Say, ‘Bad Spider!’ in an assertive manner and smack it sharply on the nose.

Time being of the essence, he opts for Number 2.

And now for some Maths. A spider has eight eyes. Eye to nose ratio in a majority of living beings is 2:1. How many noses does a spider have?

Bambino Bobblion steps forwards and baps the spider 4 times, once on each nose. Bap, bap, bap, BAP!

‘Ouch!’ says the spider. (In the original Oz story, the spider is murdered by the lion, but we’re having none of that malarkey here, especially as it is now VERY close to Christmas.)

‘Ouch, ouch, OUCH!’ says the spider again. ‘What did you do that for?’

‘You mustn’t frighten people,’ says Bambino Bobblion. ‘It’s not big, it’s not clever, and it’s not nice.’

‘What else am I supposed to do?’ says the spider.

‘I don’t know,’ says Bambino Bobblion. ‘What else are you good at, apart from being a bully?’

The spider shrugs. ‘Spinning and weaving, I suppose,’ it says. ‘Roller blading. Making choux pastry. Playing the saxophone. Circus skills – you know, trapeze, tightrope walking, juggling…’

‘Playing a comedy clown in a comedy falling apart car?’ says Bambino Bobblion.

‘Let’s not go that far,’ says the spider.

Bambino Bobblion thinks for a moment. The others hold their collective breath.

‘Okay,’ says Bambino Bobblion. ‘Why don’t you set up a circus. Wear your roller blades and play some sexy sax tracks during the performance intervals, and serve profiterole snacks. Then run circus-themed textile art classes as a side line, to stop you getting bored and to help build community relationships.’

The spider thinks. ‘Do you think I could actually do that?’ it says.

‘Yeah,’ says Bambino Bobblion. ‘Why not?’

And so it came to pass that the first ever community circus-art project run by a spider was created. It really was that simple.

As the spider trots off into the distance, muttering something along the lines of ‘This woodland ain’t big enough for my big spider dreams’ the woodland creatures emerge and surround the intrepid explorers, clapping, cheering and showing deep gratitude that the spider’s reign of terror over them has come to an end.

‘Will you be our king?’ they say to Bambino Bobblion. ‘One who is so wise, brave and creative is sure to lead our woodland community onto better and greater things.’

Well! Bambino Bobblion has been feeling a tad miffed that Tancrow Pete is the new king of the City of Rusty Duck and Ptolemy Ptinman is the new Pking of Winkie Land, so he accepts the leadership of the woodland of Quadling Country with all the charm, grace and ease he can muster. And promises to return when Dorothy Miggins is safely on her way home.