When was the last time you wore a vest? Yesterday? Last week? As soon as the Autumn chill set in? Do you ALWAYS wear a vest, no matter what ‘coz no one is going to catch YOU out, no way, no how? Or like me, back in the mid-70s as soon as you left primary school, because no-one wears a VEST to secondary school, right?
Let me tell you, my dear friends, this morning was the first day I have considered vest wearing since 1973. A combination of the first overnight frost of this Autumn plus a blanket of freezing fog made me feel the chill right to my bones as I headed up the garden to feed the hens and stupid cockerels. This is it, I thought. I am officially on the edge of old lady territory. I am heading into the ‘vulnerable person’s’ danger zone. You know, when health agencies and the news give out warnings to groups of people who are at risk if they do certain things like overheat, eat raw eggs, catch ‘flu, GET TOO COLD! This Group of Vulnerability almost certainly involves small children (vest wearers), pregnant women (I don’t know why I say ‘women’ because it’s not a man thing, is it?) and old people (vest wearers).
Anyway, I set off in my little car, heaters puffing out warm(ish) air, to go to Dunelm to collect a brushed cotton duvet set which grabbed my fancy. Not a euphemism. I had reserved it on-line because our nearest Dunelm is a good half an hour’s drive away and I wasn’t going to go if they didn’t have any in stock. It’s a nice tartan pattern in blues and purples, and I forgive the very young sales assistant who attempted to charge me twice for it. I also purchased some brushed cotton pillow cases. And on my way home, I thought, ‘See! Bloody brushed cotton now!’ I remember having a brushed cotton nighty when I was a child. To keep me cosy. Member of a vulnerable group, you see. The horror continued to descend...
...because when I got home I thought, ‘I’ll just have a look on-line, check out vests. NOT that I’m going to BUY any, heaven forfend, but you know, just out of idle curiosity. I bet they don’t even MAKE vests these days ahahahahahahahaha....’
And now I can tell you that vests are STILL made, apparently in their millions. Made the mistake of going onto the Damart website, that bastion of thermal apparel. They immediately offered me 10% discount and free delivery but I knew that if they got hold of my details I’d be plagued to the grave by them, no matter what the new GDPR rules say. (Is it GDPR? I might be getting confused with a different set of initials to do with economic growth. Anyway, you get my gist, you clever people.) Also, their trademark thermal fabric is called ‘Thermolactyl’ which immediately made me think of a warm breastfeeding flying dinosaur, and that’s not good, is it? If I wore one of their vests who knows what Freudian nightmares would head my way. They also had grades to choose from - 2,3 and 4 - and to be honest, at this point in the proceedings I was thinking my life too short to be taking this exploration, so I moved on to good old M & S.
Their thermal undies were modelled on ladies who were definitely on the older side of life’s fence. Their trademark thermal fabric is called Heatgen. They didn’t confuse matters with numbers but they did have Heatgen Plus. Haven’t these people heard of the menopause? I don’t want ‘plus’ anything added to my clothing fabrics. If I’m going to wear another layer under my jumper, I want it to stay at one tepid temperature, and not suddenly regulate itself upwards if the wind chill factor steps up a notch.
The other thing that put me off the thermal vest thing is that they all had a high polyester content. I can’t be involved with polyester, for heaven’s sake! No one is going to hold ME responsible for clogging up the innards of some poor little sea turtle with escapee polyester fibres from my laundry. Did you see the new David Attenborough programme on BBC1 last night? If that isn’t a big enough guilt trip to make one be more selective in the fabrics they wear, then I don’t know what is. Besides, put polyester on me and I turn into a ball of static electricity. I can’t be doing with the shocks every time I touch a door handle.
Perhaps I could knit a vest? I found a pattern. I might have to upsize it, though...
Let me tell you, my dear friends, this morning was the first day I have considered vest wearing since 1973. A combination of the first overnight frost of this Autumn plus a blanket of freezing fog made me feel the chill right to my bones as I headed up the garden to feed the hens and stupid cockerels. This is it, I thought. I am officially on the edge of old lady territory. I am heading into the ‘vulnerable person’s’ danger zone. You know, when health agencies and the news give out warnings to groups of people who are at risk if they do certain things like overheat, eat raw eggs, catch ‘flu, GET TOO COLD! This Group of Vulnerability almost certainly involves small children (vest wearers), pregnant women (I don’t know why I say ‘women’ because it’s not a man thing, is it?) and old people (vest wearers).
Anyway, I set off in my little car, heaters puffing out warm(ish) air, to go to Dunelm to collect a brushed cotton duvet set which grabbed my fancy. Not a euphemism. I had reserved it on-line because our nearest Dunelm is a good half an hour’s drive away and I wasn’t going to go if they didn’t have any in stock. It’s a nice tartan pattern in blues and purples, and I forgive the very young sales assistant who attempted to charge me twice for it. I also purchased some brushed cotton pillow cases. And on my way home, I thought, ‘See! Bloody brushed cotton now!’ I remember having a brushed cotton nighty when I was a child. To keep me cosy. Member of a vulnerable group, you see. The horror continued to descend...
...because when I got home I thought, ‘I’ll just have a look on-line, check out vests. NOT that I’m going to BUY any, heaven forfend, but you know, just out of idle curiosity. I bet they don’t even MAKE vests these days ahahahahahahahaha....’
And now I can tell you that vests are STILL made, apparently in their millions. Made the mistake of going onto the Damart website, that bastion of thermal apparel. They immediately offered me 10% discount and free delivery but I knew that if they got hold of my details I’d be plagued to the grave by them, no matter what the new GDPR rules say. (Is it GDPR? I might be getting confused with a different set of initials to do with economic growth. Anyway, you get my gist, you clever people.) Also, their trademark thermal fabric is called ‘Thermolactyl’ which immediately made me think of a warm breastfeeding flying dinosaur, and that’s not good, is it? If I wore one of their vests who knows what Freudian nightmares would head my way. They also had grades to choose from - 2,3 and 4 - and to be honest, at this point in the proceedings I was thinking my life too short to be taking this exploration, so I moved on to good old M & S.
Their thermal undies were modelled on ladies who were definitely on the older side of life’s fence. Their trademark thermal fabric is called Heatgen. They didn’t confuse matters with numbers but they did have Heatgen Plus. Haven’t these people heard of the menopause? I don’t want ‘plus’ anything added to my clothing fabrics. If I’m going to wear another layer under my jumper, I want it to stay at one tepid temperature, and not suddenly regulate itself upwards if the wind chill factor steps up a notch.
The other thing that put me off the thermal vest thing is that they all had a high polyester content. I can’t be involved with polyester, for heaven’s sake! No one is going to hold ME responsible for clogging up the innards of some poor little sea turtle with escapee polyester fibres from my laundry. Did you see the new David Attenborough programme on BBC1 last night? If that isn’t a big enough guilt trip to make one be more selective in the fabrics they wear, then I don’t know what is. Besides, put polyester on me and I turn into a ball of static electricity. I can’t be doing with the shocks every time I touch a door handle.
Perhaps I could knit a vest? I found a pattern. I might have to upsize it, though...
Comments
P.S. I have some brushed cotton PJs. With sheep on them. Could be needing them tonight.. possibly with a vest underneath.
KJ
I looked at the cotton camisoles at M&S, Olly - and I do think they may be the way to go!
I looked up ‘Icebreaker’, KJ! And they have a sale on at the moment, which brings a few suitable items down to the not quite so ‘Eeeeek!’ price bracket. But you do pay for what you get, don’t you? Quality over quantity, every time.