I don't mind admitting I am erring on the side of grimness today. Amongst other (minor) irritations, the pay for the three weeks of supply teaching I did at the beginning of the month has not arrived in my bank account. This means I shall have to waste MY time chasing it up. In the back of my mind I had an inkling that this would happen. There is no reason for the payment not to have happened because I submitted all the relevant paperwork correctly and in ample time (because I am organised like that). The error is clearly down to the organisational inadequacies of someone else, and there lies the irritation - the fact that other people aren't as organised as me. Of course, I know this to be completely irrational thinking on my part because of the imperfect nature of the human being. And I know that, eventually, I shall be paid for the work I have done. But still, it has set me off on a wrong foot this morning and I had to do a substantial amount of brisk housework in order to shake the sense of grimness that was settling on my shoulders.
However, I am taking this as a sign of Great Importance that the only person I can work for who I can trust 100% to do their job properly is ME! And thus I am re-focused on plans to be a wholly independent and self-employed person. I haven't quite worked out how this is going to happen, but the intent is there and I must not lose sight of it.
I missed National Friendship Day yesterday. Actually, I didn't miss it because it was mentioned on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show by Zoe Ball Who Talks Too Much. I chose to ignore it because it got me thinking about friendship and how it works, or doesn't work, and that made me feel a bit grim, too. People often declare themselves to be friends, but they aren't, not really. Not in the truest sense of being someone you could ring in a crisis in the wee small hours of the morning and not be met with, 'Do you know what time it is? Eff off,' or who would know instinctively if you were in a life-struggle moment and would appear at your door, or phone or email and say, 'What's up?'
Blame Facebook for this weakening of the definition of 'Friend', that's what I say. Folk have, quite literally, hundreds, nay THOUSANDS of 'friends' on Facebook. I have 42 people on mine. Aside from family (which was why I joined FB in the first place, to stay in touch with them after we moved here) there are maybe 5 people who I'd regard as actual, real, proper, bona fide friends. There is a goodly bunch of lovely people I'd happily share a nice cuppa and a good natter with, people I've got on well with in the past and shared happy times. However, there is also a small handful of folk that I look at and think, 'Why?' I've tried to sustain these 'friendships' but the contact is inevitably all one way. Maybe I need to do a spot of housework on FB...
It probably says more about me than others, that I am so critical of the concept of friendship. Do I expect too much? Do I give enough? I don't make friends easily, because of my natural introversion, although I will always be friendly and polite to everyone I meet. I am happy in my own company. I have been guilty of feeling suspicious about why people would want me as a friend. And my closest proximity friend at the moment, in the days I am home alone, writing, writing, writing, is the radio. How sad is that?
Gosh, this has become somewhat maudlin. I apologise. Actually, no I don't. There are a lot of people whose only companion from day to day is the radio. Or TV. That sound, this music, those voices in the background are the human connection even us social introverts need from time to time. During the day, I bounce between Radios 2 and 4, with an occasional dip into 4Extra. A bit of music, a fascinating discussion that has me nodding with enthusiasm, a frustrating discussion that has me shouting in disagreement, a spot of culture and history which makes me say out loud, 'That's interesting,' and that will set me off on an internet search to read and research that interest further. Short stories, comedy, quizzes. And 'The Archers.'
Good old radio! Consistent, persistent but crap at making tea.
It's just gone 11 a.m. I'm tuned in to Radio 4. It's cup of tea time. I'm going to call some friends.
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